I Thought the Tears Were Supposed to Be Done Now.

photo by Ehsan !

I don't want to make lemonade, I don't want want silver clouds or fish in the sea, I don't want lights or tunnels or anything. I just want the tears to stop.

I thought it was supposed to change. I thought those days were over, new days ahead. It wasn't like I was naive and thought that happiness and joy would follow me all the rest of my days, but I didn't think pain would come this soon, this fast.
About a year ago I was moving a huge bookshelf on wheels down to a van to be loaded up. As it rolled down the sidewalk I noticed one of the wheels was about to fall off the curb. Without thinking I stepped to the side that would fall to catch it. The bookshelf, filled with books and easily outweighing me by 200 pounds, fell square onto my shin and scraped its way down to my foot. Nothing was broken but the next day all the damaged tissue, with the help of gravity, dropped into my foot, turning it into a purple, grody balloon. That was almost exactly one year ago.

My shin is still tender where it hit. When I touch it I can still feel damaged tissue. Maybe it will always be that way. Maybe my emotional wounds will never heal. Maybe my heart will forevermore be tender to the touch, fragile and prone to re-injury.

I have always tried to learn from my mistakes, to become a better version of myself. But maybe that's not enough. A mistake is still a failure, even in the past. And my past failures haunt me. That's the difference about the present and the past. The present is always changing, it's liquid, constantly taking shape, growing pulsing. The past is rigid, cold, unalterable and constant. Like barbed wire my past wraps around me, cutting in to the vulnerable, unhealed places of my soul.

And then the tears flow again.

Like a Fish Swimming Sideways

photo by KRSE

It's never a good thing when days start to melt together. It means you're either waiting for something that's coming in the future, or you have nothing to look forward to in the future. Either way, the now has become irrelevant.

I haven't figured out yet the cause of my melting days. I can look ahead and see a lot of great things being prepared. It's exciting to see what's in store. I finally have jobs that are fulfilling and enjoyable and I am energized by the the road ahead. Not to mention summer is finally here, kickball season is in full swing, camping trips are planned, shorts are being worn. These are fun things to be excited about, though the dismal skies outside make them seem pretty far off.

But a silver lining means there's a cloud. And this one happens to be a pretty nasty storm cloud. So maybe the fact that things are looking up for the future is negated by the fact that things are looking down today. So which is more important? Where do I draw my focus? Do I forgo the troubles of the present and seek joy in the plans of the future? Do I stop the silly daydreaming and "live in the now", regardless of how painful it is?

Unfortunately, I'm not a fish.

A fish could just swim sideways, one eye pointed up to see the what lies above, and one eye pointed down to see the dirt and grime below. A fish could live in both worlds, contentedly swimming along. At least, that's my theory. I'm no ichthiologist.

But I'm not a fish. Which means my eyes stare in one direction mostly. Even crossing my eyes hurts. So it becomes one or the other. Do I have the strength to keep my gaze in the present when it is storm clouds and grey skies? Do I have the hope to pull my gaze to the horizon where there are kickballs and passionate rainbows?

Or do I have the faith to see joy in the midst of the storm?